Watching the sunrise

Watching the sunrise

writing in my diary.

For those going through struggles with meds:

I’ve stopped all my meds and have had to use alternatives. For amnesia anxiety, i’ve started recording. For depression, i’ve connected with a higher power. For sense of self and feeling voiceless i’ve started a diary. For inconsistent moods, i’ve added a mood log. My diary shows the times I go into an autopilot like state and forget about the diary in general, but when I remember to update it my diary is my only safe companion.

I kept having lapses in medication. Every time, it appears, that I would start to suppress my symptoms with medications the amnesia gets worse. Before saying that’s because the universe doesnt want me to take them anymore, i will say that I didnt realize how much I really struggled with memory and trauma and the meds I was taking was not inclusive of this. I would forget a couple to a few days and think I only missed a single day, I think. I think that because I see that because it's also happened to less severity throughout this year. Im on only HrT at the moment and its still hard to remember day by day, especially stuck in my car day after day.

After accusing the State, the Nation, the Healthcare system for failing miserably and practically torturing me Ive realized that the PBMs, hospitals, doctors, and nurses are all struggling their best to redirect the trajectory of healthcare as a whole. I’ve learned that on top of “prior authorization”, insurance changes from one county to another, and the subsequent doctor changes and lapses in meds are not intentional, however it had absolutely felt so as, on top of my own regularity, the system itself lapses my medication and care.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD. The diagnosises I received before that was:

ADHD (before end of highschool)

Depression

Anxiety/Depression

Manic Depression

Gender Dysphoria

Chronic Depression with schizoaffective

schizophrenia

The amount of meds I’ve taken for an issue that required therapy is insane. I took them in order to get back to work and I stayed on them irregularly due to internal and external factors.

Just in the last 8 years:

bupropion

aripiprazole

sertraline

mirtazipine

risperidone

ziprasidone

hydroxyzine

fluoxetine

olanzapine

trazodone

These sometimes would allow me to work until I missed them, then I would have to try to explain what’s happening to my boss, to little avail. They would allow me to work until my DID broke through them and I lost my job. To this day, the first thing people suggest to me is to get on meds and get back to work. Why?

Why?

If I have to get on meds then I will also have to go through unprofessionally taken off of them when an alter comes out to fill the role of the job or some shortage or complication happened. If I HAVE to get on meds, i’m functionally partially disabled wether that’s recognizable to the State or Medical Institutions or not. WHEN i get on meds, my symptoms that I need to feel in order to heal from trauma will be suppressed and treatment becomes temporarily useless because “I’m fine”.

This doesn’t stop the full mental relapse into trauma and dissociation, rather, it encourages the relapse to be stored and released later 10 fold. This leads to a distrust in the institution, the government, and my fellow neighbors.

I bring this up to say the work I’ve been doing the last 15-20 years on top of survival and employment is not something I get paid for, but that people profit off even when the system fails me

over and over again.

If you’re on meds and they work, please don’t compare your experience to someone which they don’t, and visa versa.

If you have a physical disability, don’t compare yourself to people without, without compassion and empathy. If you have serious mental illnesses, please understand someone with your same diagnosis could be having a completely different experience and symptomology. If you don’t have any of these experiences, don’t judge the mentally ill as you would yourself, or your loved one with mental illness. When even the doctors scratch their heads, the average normal person will still have a prescription and prognostication (of sorts) because they project their sense of normalcy on others without a normal at all.

Take your meds as prescribed.

Don’t get on meds because someone told you to, and don’t get off them because someone told you to, unless that person is your doctor.

My doctor right now says meds might not be the best option as i’m gender dysphoric and have childhood and lifelong trauma making it difficult to take them consistently. When that gets dealt with i might be able to become a functional member of society, without meds, or with them. I don’t care what the state says, i don’t care if you reading this - read it and think i’m not disabled. I’m not always like this. I’m not always this claircognizant. I have spent my entire life hiding my illness, so this is normal. in a week i’ll be trying not to flip out and trying to hide it again. I just thought i’d share because i think people assume.

I need to build resilience without meds, and could use a slow start into the next employment venture supervised by a professional to communicate properly with my boss, coworkers, and whoever i talk to month by month and day by day. That doesn’t mean meds are bad. To me, it just means more than just oxycontin is over prescribed. To me, it means I regret my inability to explain my experience earlier.

Okay, i haven’t moved my car in two days, but i am completely exhausted just writing this. Take care, i’m going back to bed.

After i watch, what could be, my last sunrise.

In this state, i don’t trust myself to drive, but it’s almost over and i’ll be able to work delivery apps again, hopefully. 🙏