Look, I'm just a sick and depraved pervert, idk man

I want to try to run. I want her not to let me. I want a safe-word. I want the works. Covered in colorful strings of soft slimy goodness like a dirty car getting pulverized in a carwash. Naked. On Display. Study my traumas, pull on my strings. Make me feel useless. Make me feel sorry for my reflexes. Make me feel sorry for kneading in pleasure. Make me feel stalked. Anything, but abandoned. Make me feel her in my fear. Does this make me less of a woman? less of a man? I'll let her decide. I want her to know I want her to be unescapable. I want her to toy with me and keep me walking on eggshells, building tension into the next session. When she leaves I want to break, just a little. No more full climax for kitten. This is how she can be irreplaceable.

I want to be her project.

When i'm wise enough not to run, i want to be shamed for being so weak i need to tie and bind myself for her because I know she hates what she can have easily, and the next best thing is some'thing' she can control ...and mind control me. If I hesitate, she'll do it herself and that will come with... pain. And, lead to agony.

I want to sign a contract so she never has to worry... just me.

I want to get so fucked up by her when someone tries to push me in public I get aroused and the only thing I can think of is her. The only thing I can think of is her. The only thing, her abuse. I want people to wonder how I stay so calm. I want to need it. I want to surrender. I want her to hold my head and coddle me when she brings me to tears - but smack me for loving it.

I want to say "yes ma'am". I want to ask for another whip, another spank, another shock. I want to let the shock drive me crazy into the next hanging suspense as I tremble to call her queen while she tries to make it impossible. Shoving fingers in my mouth - slapping me right as I start "Yes, my Q-" *SLAP* 

"thank y-" *SLAP SLAP*

"My que-" *chokes*

"PLeaSE" *gentle throat hold*

"Thank You" - *SAY IT*

"Thank you, my queen "

The only thing she'll have to worry about is losing her favorite toy. She can call me a good boy, and edge my dysphoria with pleasure - filling all the cracks of my mind with gold and becoming more addictive in that moment than any drug human's have ever cultivated or made. I want her to enter slow and escalate by making me beg for it. 

    "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, say that again" I want her to demand I make noise as she pounds 

    "...harder," "..HARDER," leaving me a dripping mess of river to the floor, shamed, and blissed with subserviency. I want her to take her bad day out on me and know I'll be coming back for more because

...I loved it. I need it. 

And, I need it from SPECIFICALLY and ONLY her, because I love her ...and it aches. That's all I want and I'm gonna just be a brat until I get it. Giving attitude. Copping lip. Rolling my eyes. Pulling away. ...asking for it by saying it'll never happen.

Others would shy away, she knows I'm "fucking around" ...waiting to find out. I want to see the asymmetrical smile telling me I might just get it. Craving the reaction and being starved for it until I beg, or she takes me private to snap some sense into me at her discretion until I learn the boundaries she doesn't want to have to speak. I'm her love kitten because she needs it. She needs to be reminded how good being in control can feel, and not be ashamed for it. Take it out on me. And, I'm her sex kitten because ...I need it. I need to be reminded someone enjoys when I squirm and writhe and beg and dig myself a hole, and not be ashamed for laying in it. The surrender can be voluntary. Mutual. Healthy. Let it all out.

And, I want the aftercare where I spill about everything on my mind like i've been given truth serum - and she's spilling with me. Enjoying the mess she's stirred. Wiping the smile off my face with cruelty just to let my tears fall and call me beautiful in the end, and say that's what she thought I needed. Then, she'll tell me to smile. I want to cuddle until we fall asleep. I want nights i'll remember forever. I want to make her happy. I want to be owned, and I want that to be okay. I want it to be safe, not feel safe. I want it so bad I'm trembling as I write this... Look, I'm just a sick and depraved pervert, idk man. I'm just fucked up, dude.

...I'll cook for you 

Just don't hold back on the constructive criticism so I can try to be addicting, too.

...Where is my queen?

*Sigh*

I knew this was too much 😔

I'm sorry 😞 

No one likes this sort of thing. I'm ashamed. I need you already because I want to need you. And, and now you know it. I'm powerless now.

...just pathetic. It'll never happen. I'm too much.